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Pain, SIT Meetings, and Trauma Flashbacks: Wednesday Stayed Unsteady

ஏப்ரல் 8, 2020

Pain, dehydration, business talks, and trauma flashbacks kept the day shaky, and by night I was deep in old family conflict, violent thinking, and the sense that my conscience was slipping.

9:30 AM

Wed 8 Apr

9:30 a.m.

I got up. I feel a bit of pain. I felt a bit dehydrated. I'm okay. I'm glad with the way things are going.

10:00 a.m.

I spoke with Indrajith █████████ at SIT about business during coronavirus. It's really bad. A lot of businesses in Sri Lanka are collapsing due to cash flow troubles.

10:30 a.m.

. I miss playing Halo with Udesh and Arosha. Thilanga uncle hates me for liking Sandhya aunty and Upali uncle so much -- he asks me to leave when he's having family meetings lol.

11:45 a.m.

I'm saddened by the high fatalities in the US. I cannot believe how bad it's gotten. This thing can get out of control. 1,736 deaths in one day is insane. 9/11 was just 2,996. This is claiming too many lives. It's really sad.

1:30 p.m.

I hope Boris Johnson will be okay. I'm alarmed he's in the ICU. I always really liked him. Lol I saw him get stuck in a zipline and tell people to f*** off when he was cycling in London. He may have been mayor or something.. He was very cool. I really love BoJo. He's so cool.

I met the Pro Grand Master of UGLE Freemasonry, Sir David Wootton. I don't really remember but I think they had something to do with the City of London. He was a Lord mayor once. I wish I was over there. I really hate it here in Sri Lanka. I basically equate Sri Lanka to a hell. The reason I'm here is I want to develop the place.

1:45 p.m.

I spoke with Kasuni ██████████████████ about business. I feel really tired.

7:45 p.m.

I don't trust Manusha ██████████. I try avoid him. I really don't trust my family. A lot of problems happened because Thilanga uncle trusted Sandalal. ████████████████████████████████████████████ But he won't because he asked Sandalal to ██████ my business.

8:00 p.m.

. ███████████████████████

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█████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████ I██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

███████████████████ ████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████ To her face, I try very hard to be pleasant. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████████ She made the mistake of introducing me to Sandalal. ████████████████████████ ██████████████████

8:15 p.m.

█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ Even something like this comment post entry will do absolutely nothing. ███████████████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████

8:30 p.m.

Oh no, I forgot, I'm supposed to always give reasons for any thing. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Unless Sandalal did not attack my business under instructions from Thilanga uncle, I████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

I think it's just justice and so fair and correct and what he deserves and what should happen. I probably don't think I'll ever do the dirty work myself. I think only G-d can kill people. That's the only way. ███████████████████████████

Even Joshua, he could only fight G-d's battles. But that was different. He could kill cause he was anointed to do it. Joshua was nuts. All of them are. I can't go to kill. I need G-d to kill. I can only justify and ask..

8:45 p.m.

I think that it's just so disgusting. I feel disgust. I couldn't do the chicken business because I didn't like all the blood and the stench of dead chickens. It was too much for me. I'm probably experiencing pre traumatic stress disorder about armaments business.

This could be some kind of manifestation. The trouble is I'm confused. I fear that I'm doing something evil. I fear that. I don't think anyone knows the difference between good and evil. I don't know. I can't judge. Even in Singapore, I don't believe drug dealers must hang.

I play along. I pretend. I justify. I say it's "justice". But I don't believe it. I feel wicked. It messes with my conscience. I'm scared. I have to just say that people need to die. Actually, I should be smart like Jesus. I should copy him. I know what I must also do.

I should be clever and say, "oh forgive them G-d, for they know not what they do". That's the clever thing to do. I need to curse them to death. But at the same time, forgive them and pray for them. The curse must come from knowing they chose evil.

All these premonitions are really scary. I'm watching Final Destination series. I think a problem is that I'm sort of judging myself and saying I must also be put to death. That's the f***ed up part. I don't know how it's happening. But this is probably good.

Okay, so, why must I die? I watched Terminator 1 a few nights ago. I saw Eyes Wide Shut last night. It must be messing with me. I worry I made a stupid promise to my monkey dad and now it's binding -- and that it means I'm supposed to die as the penalty.

9:00 p.m.

But that's really stupid. Plus, even if I do armaments during peace time, it's to have threat factor based defence. It's to prevent wars. Even invading Iran is to stop further problems. It's the greater good. It's justice. Jeez, so many things on my mind.

I think I should be okay. I don't really have any real friends. . █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. ████████████████████

9:30 p.m.

Speaking to Geoff Owen last night, █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████

I don't care about right or wrong. ██████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████ ███████████████████████

11:00 AM

It's possible Christianity borrowed familiar themes heavily from mystery religions such as Mithraism.
12:30 PM

She must've seen a shooting star when stargazing and wished to live to a hundred. G-d bless her, rest in peace.
9:45 PM

Wed 8 Apr

9:45 p.m.

Today I got a lot of distressing flashbacks. I remembered I'm a trauma patient. I have a lot on my conscience. It's a guilty conscience. I'll be okay. This is a good way to calibrate and cool down. I'll be okay. It's just bad PTSD.

10:00 p.m.

I'm getting sleepy. I'm in hell. I don't belong here. These people here are all damned. I think I'll be okay. I've just been through a lot. People here are anyway being punished painfully. I'm not that bad off. I'm doing pretty well.

It's just PTSD, flashbacks and conscience. The Covid-19 might be distressing me because of how uncertain business is right now. I'll manage somehow. It must've just exacerbated things.

10:15 p.m.

███████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████ They're lesser. They murdered innocent people. For each murder, they need to pay disproportionately. █████████████████████████████████ ████████████

█████████████████████████████████ Nobody respects him. His brother separated the business. He's on the ropes. It's probably staged. But he'll pay. █████████████████████████████████ Everyone pays. I just hope it happens quickly.

Slow justice is really annoying. Justice delayed is justice denied. ███████████████████████ They're actually worse off alive. It must be hell to be them. I survived this nightmare country. I'll be okay. Sandalal is out of People's Bank.

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. ████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████. ████████████████████████████████████████████

10:30 p.m.

Yes. I must only help do G-d's work. I mustn't really go to curse. I have to look at things properly. I must let G-d dish out karma. I have little faith in G-d after Job. But I mean, whatever. G-d will punish the wicked.

██████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ You must deal with them. G-d needs us to deal with real problems. ███████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████

10:45 p.m.

I'm going to stop watching Final Destination 3. I didn't watch. Scary movies creep me out. I hate that s***. I don't know. When it's sunny and there's sun shine only I watch horror movies. I'm very scared, I'm a little girl on the inside.

I'm going to watch American History X. I think it's a nice movie about hate. I think it's what G-d would want for me to see. It's about overcoming hate. Oh s*** it's black and white. F*** this s***. Oh, it's a part of the movie. Cool. I'll go to sleep halfway through this.