Story

7:15 PM තුළ January 25

…

6:45 p.m.

I dunno. It is interesting to watch people, to study people and understand people. I do it almost like a scientist. It is fun, it is worthwhile.

I like to cut through the social propaganda.

I do not think there is any need to do anything to ███████. I should help her. I should stop talking about her. I burnt that bridge, I hurt her.

It was wrong what I did to her.

I think this is the price I pay for having "two masters". It is you cannot ever rest, you pay for the genius, you must suffer and there is no end to the pain.

In order to know things, like this stuff, I must be ready to pay by suffering.

I do not think this is normal. It most likely is complex PTSD. But it is hard. It is hard because even if you can master the world by first mastering yourself or knowing thyself, I see no point.

Even if I know who I am, this means nothing. If you go say, "you are depressed", or you are "anorexic". Who cares? It does not mean anything. It does not take a genius to know that.

██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ It is easy to tell. ██████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████

A king went up to Buddha, he was fat, so, Buddha told him he was fat because he ate so much. Buddha told him to stop eating so much, then he lost weight. It is pretty obvious.

Now in my case, what the heck can I do about my complex PTSD?

I cannot trust anyone. I just do not do it. I do not have to, I do not want to, it is my freedom.

What am I going to do?

Is it going to require medical intervention? It will not work. It looks like, it will require expertise, as the experts in SL do not even know what I am talking about, they do not know what complex PTSD is.

I will need to go back to England, I will need to pay to get treatment from Dr Friedman and Dr Loumidis to figure this out.

I do understand though, which is what is so strange about all of this, that these things are true.

It all seems to make sense.

What do I do?

7:00 p.m.

██████████████████████████████████ I weigh 42 kg at 5' 9", it is like a ██████████████████████████████ I know some dangerous psychiatric drugs, they have a side effect of gaining weight, I tried it, it worked, but the weight falls off somehow.

I think I am 27, I have a lot of time, I will be 28, then 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38/ Asita, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56/ Thilanga uncle I think * In 2050 *, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65/ Nanda Karunagoda, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75 (Jacques hehehe), then, I guess, I will die at 80, so, 76, 77, 78, 79 and 80 * In 2074 *.

If I am 27 now, then, I will keep putting on weight. I look okay. If I am 55 kg, it is fine. Plus, this guy, ██████████, he is only 65 kg or something. I think my metabolism will slow down. Thilanga uncle's friend Nandana Silva, who is a good friend to Thilanga uncle, like all his friends, including Sandalal, he told me he was a skinny guy, but then suddenly, he became a fat f*** and now he cannot get rid of the fat.

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Would a mother who does not protect her son, does not make sure he is eating enough, be allowed to have custody of the child in a developed country? No. Would she be allowed to screw up a legal case? No. An attorney would be provided by the state. She would be adjudged to be a lunatic or unsound mind, the judge would have made sure I got my inheritance.

The self loathing is what bothers me. It is hard to deal with this. It is hard coded programming. But I think it is good. If this was not there, there would be no drive to try and make SL number 1.